She Does That in Every Movie

(Mom voice)

My mom hates Diane Keaton. Just, fuckin’ hates her. She swears this isn’t true. She’s never even met Diane Keaton. But go to a Diane Keaton movie with my mom and she’ll shit-whisper through the whole thing. She always does that, Lauren. That freakout thing? Ugh. Exhausting. She’s always worn her pants like that. She probably has them custom made to fit …