Still not an Irish stew recipe.

I just talked to my editor so my mind’s a little cluttered. Or it’s a little cluttered because I’ve got to move forward in the book today and I’m still working out how to fix that one scene or three. So I’m using this to clear out some fog. But it’s fog and I don’t know where it’s going. And apologies but I can’t reply to comments right now. I read them and appreciate them, but I’m trying to forget people will read this book or I’ll get stuck again. So I can’t engage right now. Maybe it’s good that I know this but it probably sucks if you wrote something meaningful to me and I didn’t say anything. I just can’t make it a conversation right now. I’m sorry. I promise you won’t have anything meaningful to say after whatever comes next.

We’ll begin with why that was not an Irish Stew recipe. The only time I successfully passed on a recipe was in the early days of the pandemic. No one had eggs or milk but most of us still had a half bag of flour in the cabinet and an apple or some frozen fruit. So I told twitter how to make crumble.

The thing is I’m not good at recipes. It’s just in my head and not in the right order. It went something like this. “The ratio is 2:1:1 if that’s how you type a ratio. But it’s two parts flour to one part sugar, one part butter. I do half brown and half white sugar because I like the taste. But sometimes you have to cover it in foil for the first half hour or last so it doesn’t burn. Some cinnamon is nice. Vanilla’s cool too but put it in the fruit, not the crumble. Do the fruit first. Chop an apple or use berries or some berries and a chopped apple. Blackberries and an apple is perfect but whatever you’ve got will work. Sprinkle some sugar on that. A quarter cup I think. I don’t know. Mix that up. If you used berries and have corn starch sprinkle some of that on there. Or flour. They too get watery sometimes.

Oh you should turn the oven on—350.

Okay. Slice the butter. It has to be cold. Add the sugar and flour. Maybe some cinnamon. Mix until it looks crumbly. Use your hands but do it fast so the butter doesn’t melt all the way. It won’t mix completely. It shouldn’t. Put it in the fridge until the oven is hot. Then pour/spread it over the fuit. It will not look like crust. Calm down. Bake it for an hour probably. Sometimes less or more. I don’t know. The crumble will sink sometimes if you only use berries. If it’s the color of done biscuits, it’s done or your oven was too hot. It’s fine. It’s not like there are eggs in it. I go more by the state of the fruit. Let it cool. It is hot lava under there.”

I think this is an idiot proof way of describing an idiot proof process of turning a few ingredients into a perfect desert. And it is. It’s the fucking bomb. But my god the questions.

“What kind of pan?” I don’t fucking know what your pans look like. Something you can stick in the oven is probably a good idea.

“How many apples?: How many you got? Now how much butter do you have? Figure it out. Fuck.

“Can I use pineapple?” Where the fuck did you get a pineapple?!??

A lot of people made it. Loved it. Sent me pictures. It was fun. Or would’ve been but for the killjoys who added oats or the absolute psychopaths who told me, “this was perfect. I used chocolate instead.”

INSTEAD OF WHAT. WHY. AND HOW. BUT MOSTLY WHY AND WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU

I don’t know where they were putting the chocolate but they can fuck off. I do appreciate the proof that chocolate lovers, and I don’t mean people who enjoy chocolate, I mean people who’d describe themselves as chocolate lovers, are just too fucking boring to try anything without it.

I think the variety of chocolate on chocolate fudge with chocolate mocha chip ice cream is proof that our society failed long ago. Banana is pathetically underrepresented in ice cream.

But you can find a recipe for stew anywhere. Fucking add chocolate. I don’t know.

Here’s a picture of Woody shaking off the water while still in the water like a moron.