As someone who's endured as many colonoscopies as he's written books, this is spot on. And thank you Lauren, I will never use the words "pea shooter" the same way again
I can’t believe they canceled your appointment after you did the prep. Damned Gastros. Probably someone got Covid because they’re in a clinic and haven’t been masking.
Thanks for the laughs. I read “Popeyes” and my innards started rumbling.
This piece is timely. I am on my second day of Paxlovid for Covid. I told a friend that this drug could serve admirably as colonoscopy prep.
One critical piece of advice I wish I'd seen prior to my first colonoscopy prep? Apply diaper rash cream BEFORE you think you'll need it. 😬
The VA clinic that does them in my neck of the woods is in Green Bay, a 50-minute drive. I didn't feel I was *quite* done evacuating the catacombs, even though I followed their instructions to a T, so I put on a Depends. Thank fucking god, because 15 minutes out, the floodgates opened one last time.
"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single dyke in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife." Elizabeth Bennett (Jane Austen) bastardized quote 😉
I don’t understand how you’re still single. You’re funny as hell. Charming. Good natured. The girlfriend applications must be piled high.
As someone who has recently done my first colonoscopy if they would have canceled mine after the prep I would have burned the place to the ground. I think you wanting to do just “a murder” should definitely be allowed and if I was on the jury I would acquit based on the canceled appointment alone.
OMG, the thought of doing the prep and NOT getting the procedure is the stuff of my nightmares. I had a friend who showed up and she was there 1 day early. Thankfully, they fit her in because they were not monsters. Your laments about writing remind me of Anne Lamott and her constant refrain - the goals for her writing are "butt in chair" and "shitty first drafts." They both sound very hard to me. And I agree that the procedure itself is no problem at all! When I had my first colonoscopy, I could not stop complimenting the nurse on how cute she looked in braces. Very normal behavior. I always send people this link if they want a little inspiration to make that appointment. I find his description of the prep to be spot on. https://www.miamiherald.com/living/liv-columns-blogs/dave-barry/article1928847.html
Is this fucking Christmas because we just got two essays in one package. Both brilliant. You have the only advice worth a damn. How could anyone think to tell you what to do?
Well, this is encouraging. I finished radiation therapy and have been contemplating getting a colonic to clean out any leftover radiated poo. Which it may or may not do. Honestly, I don't want anyone near my back door. I hear it's good for you but also, I need to drink a lot of Apple Jack to be ready for some back door action. At least, that's what I remember of Apple Jack, circa 1984.
At my first (and only) colonoscopy, I asked my doctor how he managed to "get into this end of the business." I don't recall asking him that but he was sure to relay the story when I recovered from anesthesia. Apparently, I also thanked him profusely, being extremely grateful for taking good care of my butt. Sheesh.
I think the liquid prep for colonoscopies is sheer torture. It ruined lemon flavor for me for at least a year (I don't forget easily). I told my GP that I will undergo another colonoscopy at such time as I can skip the liquid shit. Till then, Cologuard is good enough for me. But thanks, Lauren, for introducing me to colonography. I didn't even know that existed. Your essay was informative as well as highly entertaining.
I punished my GI by making him understand that when I said “the prep won’t work” what I meant was “the prep won’t work” because I have a damn disease and I’m a physician and I have a brain. So joke’s on you for not taking me seriously. I swelled up like I swallowed a basketball, which was a bit painful, could have died, didn’t, and I’m sure it was very unpleasant on their end, but I tried to tell them...
As someone who's endured as many colonoscopies as he's written books, this is spot on. And thank you Lauren, I will never use the words "pea shooter" the same way again
I laughed my ass off.
You’re truly talented when you can make colonoscopies funny.
The writing shit made me feel stressed and also wish you had a wife - well, the kind that would do all that crap for you.
How many ways can I insert my excrement in here?
I can’t believe they canceled your appointment after you did the prep. Damned Gastros. Probably someone got Covid because they’re in a clinic and haven’t been masking.
Thanks for the laughs. I read “Popeyes” and my innards started rumbling.
This piece is timely. I am on my second day of Paxlovid for Covid. I told a friend that this drug could serve admirably as colonoscopy prep.
A friend is bringing me saltines.
The thought of a spicy chicken sandwich coming out of a raw, red butthole made me cringe more than a little.
One critical piece of advice I wish I'd seen prior to my first colonoscopy prep? Apply diaper rash cream BEFORE you think you'll need it. 😬
The VA clinic that does them in my neck of the woods is in Green Bay, a 50-minute drive. I didn't feel I was *quite* done evacuating the catacombs, even though I followed their instructions to a T, so I put on a Depends. Thank fucking god, because 15 minutes out, the floodgates opened one last time.
"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single dyke in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife." Elizabeth Bennett (Jane Austen) bastardized quote 😉
I don’t understand how you’re still single. You’re funny as hell. Charming. Good natured. The girlfriend applications must be piled high.
As someone who has recently done my first colonoscopy if they would have canceled mine after the prep I would have burned the place to the ground. I think you wanting to do just “a murder” should definitely be allowed and if I was on the jury I would acquit based on the canceled appointment alone.
The shooting water and peas part made me laugh til I couldn’t breathe. Which I needed. So thank you.
OMG, the thought of doing the prep and NOT getting the procedure is the stuff of my nightmares. I had a friend who showed up and she was there 1 day early. Thankfully, they fit her in because they were not monsters. Your laments about writing remind me of Anne Lamott and her constant refrain - the goals for her writing are "butt in chair" and "shitty first drafts." They both sound very hard to me. And I agree that the procedure itself is no problem at all! When I had my first colonoscopy, I could not stop complimenting the nurse on how cute she looked in braces. Very normal behavior. I always send people this link if they want a little inspiration to make that appointment. I find his description of the prep to be spot on. https://www.miamiherald.com/living/liv-columns-blogs/dave-barry/article1928847.html
Is this fucking Christmas because we just got two essays in one package. Both brilliant. You have the only advice worth a damn. How could anyone think to tell you what to do?
After my first colonoscopy, I was inordinately proud when the doctor told me that I had a very clean colon. Life goals. Those drugs are great.
I love the way you write. Who else could make colonoscopies entertaining?
a lot to unpack here Lauren, and I enjoyed every bit of it. also kind of wondering what's up with just one pea at a time tho...xx
Well, this is encouraging. I finished radiation therapy and have been contemplating getting a colonic to clean out any leftover radiated poo. Which it may or may not do. Honestly, I don't want anyone near my back door. I hear it's good for you but also, I need to drink a lot of Apple Jack to be ready for some back door action. At least, that's what I remember of Apple Jack, circa 1984.
At my first (and only) colonoscopy, I asked my doctor how he managed to "get into this end of the business." I don't recall asking him that but he was sure to relay the story when I recovered from anesthesia. Apparently, I also thanked him profusely, being extremely grateful for taking good care of my butt. Sheesh.
I think the liquid prep for colonoscopies is sheer torture. It ruined lemon flavor for me for at least a year (I don't forget easily). I told my GP that I will undergo another colonoscopy at such time as I can skip the liquid shit. Till then, Cologuard is good enough for me. But thanks, Lauren, for introducing me to colonography. I didn't even know that existed. Your essay was informative as well as highly entertaining.
Yes. A horrible experience.
My partner was prepping for his first, and he said, "I can't believe I have to drink this shit. It tastes terrible."
And my oldest son said, in his brightest inquiring voice, "Can I try some?"
We died. The kid immediately backtracked and never tried any. But we occasionally remind him of his interest.
So funny.
I punished my GI by making him understand that when I said “the prep won’t work” what I meant was “the prep won’t work” because I have a damn disease and I’m a physician and I have a brain. So joke’s on you for not taking me seriously. I swelled up like I swallowed a basketball, which was a bit painful, could have died, didn’t, and I’m sure it was very unpleasant on their end, but I tried to tell them...
And we all need a wife.