Every so often, I’ll get a message from someone saying they once knew a girl who grew up in the Family, the cult I was raised in. This started before I wrote the book and has only picked up since. They’ll call her different names, but we’ll call her Ellen, because that wasn’t her name. They’ll say Ellen told them everything. My god how it haunted her—the upbringing, the abuse, the constant moving, how her parents disowned her when she left. Ellen was plagued by illnesses, homelessness, and drug addiction. She was writing a book. Helping other individuals who’d left the cult. Eventually, tragically, Ellen ended her life. They miss her. They want me to know.
Thanks for this. I knew most of it but it needs to be out there. I know too many people who fell for his grift. Until an "objective writer" puts all this into an article, I doubt the grifted will believe it. But this helps.
So infuriating. I'm so sorry for all he's put you through. (There's probably no connection, but this brings to mind another grifter with a similar name, "Anna March." https://www.latimes.com/projects/la-ca-jc-anna-march/ )
While I did not see this coming at all, I did find his story of taking three days off work because of the urgent need to read a 250 page book over the top. And when I read the book myself, I realized how his reading was absolutely prejudiced and dense. So this makes sense, even if it will never make sense why people do this. Does make me feel quite a bit better about saying mean things though.
Thank you so much for writing this. I am sorry to say that I was taken in by A.M.'s tweets, and did not see the full picture. I didn't know this was the person targeting Sandra Newman or the other authors. There are few folks I trust completely as I do you, and your unceasing empathy and ability to cut through the B.S. is truly remarkable and all too rare.
That's super twisted about the cult appropriator. I wish I could say I didn't know 2 dozen Ana Mardolls, both in person and online. But over the years I've seen many an overprivileged, unstable person claiming membership in the trans community try to become champions in the Oppression Olympics. I know someone who self diagnosed with multiple personality and autism and made up a sexual assault in service of this game. However, the sheer commitment this "Ana" individual seems to have to dragging queer authors is truly bizarre. The labeling of everyone as transphobic who has ever had a critical thought about a specific trans person or defended someone's right to write about gender in a way that doesn't toe the line of queer orthodoxy is truly fucked up and only distracts from actual transphobia. I'm still fucking furious at Lambda Literary for what they did to you, an actual gender non-conforming queer survivor, in the name of avoiding the appearance of transphobia-by-2nd-degree-association.
Incredulity seems to correlate with privilege. We believe the astonishing because we want to and unless I have third-party verification, I won’t trust people’s facts. Mental illness is a helluva drug and on the increase.
I'm angry sorry. Your story vindicates why I left Twitter about 2 months ago. After a few encounters with TERFS (who are possibly the most vile humans ever and I say that after being in a cult and working in government) while defending trans folk. I'm glad they caught this ahole. Buh bye Ana.
Thank you for such a detailed explanation of how this works.I’m not on social media much so this was new to me and shocking. You are owed a huge apology and the lambda people need to look at themselves and ask why they were so quick to rush to judgment. They need to look not at your work, not your friend’s work but themselves.
I’m sorry. Again, very appreciative of this essay.
I knew an Ellen through a survivors' group I was in. Adult survivors of childhood sexual assault, as it happens. So people in there are fucked up but trying. Various rainbow shades of fuckedupness. And this one was Munchausen-by-proxying her son, until she killed him. He was about 6. She literally killed him. (Note: Almost any time a big kid has a feeding tube, it's probably abuse.) And being part of her group made all of us witnesses. It was--not good. I'm still sick over what she did.
People are fucked up.
I'm so sorry about the damage done by this asshole.
In my experience- people who have experienced severe trauma rarely want to broadcast it. On the contrary, they often feel a sense of shame and guilt and a strong desire to seem “normal”. This twisted weaponizing of trauma is sickening. Especially, as you point out, in that it preys on vulnerable people’s good will and desire to protect others.
Hi there. Gratitude deluxe over here. I have some nosy questions, and also a shuddering recognition. This kind of thing was happening before Twitter. Weird. I got caught in its net with a couple of other writers, and it was chilling. This one prick pretended to be a traumatized teen bottom lot lizard. “He” found the right authors to get their hooks into, with suicide threats and insane pantomimes. Huge money con. Stealing identity, family photos, etc.
They had some success, the drugs got out of control, and when the cracks surfaced, and the “marks” innocently called our dear Fraud-tete, “Omg what is going on” -- she threatened us with all her firepower. We were “transphobic” and she was going to tell the world. We were denying the rights of George Sand. On and On. “But you’re 40-something, you’re not 15! You’re not trembling in a SRO, you’re shopping at Neiman Marcus! You’ve never turned a trick in your life except this one!” We, the bamboozled, went public-- and the public? Vicious vicious. Even in the limited internet of the 90s, together with the local papers, (back when comments were king!) responded with, “If you fell for this crap, you must be an idiot and an immoral turd. And ARE you transphobic?” Yeah, right, me and Dennis Cooper and Mary Gaitskill, et al, we’re all just complete jerks. Obviously. We get asked to read, edit, and aid writers all the time. When someone’s work is good, it’s compelling. If I assumed everyone who wrote me is a manipulative con, I’d ... go crazy. They aren’t, none of them are, until ONE of them is. It really makes you take a step back. Your story cracked through my convenient amnesia. Fucking cannibals.
Okay, now for the nosy questions: Did Lambda awards ever get back to you, do you know if they got the memo? And what about that Times reporter? Any update coming? -- you might prefer to keep this all to yourself, but I just had to ask! ;-)
To add to the misgendering issue, if you Google "Ana Mardoll" and go to the images tab, his own pictures that he uploaded to his GoodReads profile in 2018 are also very feminine presenting. Pale pink cardigan, makeup, delicate cameo necklace. For the longest time I assumed he was a girl, based on the name and Twitter profile pic, and then I read his profile blurb to see "a boy named Ana...".
Yesterday, when I heard about that drone strike that killed the terrorist, I thought how amazing it is that mankind can create something to efficiently kill just one person from thousands of miles away. It is as amazing as it is horrifying. That is what I think about the internet. It opened up so much available knowledge, but also unleashed the absolute worst of humanity. Some days it is hard to know if the good outweighs the evil.
I’m sorry this vile Ana person has caused so much damage. And I thank you for clearing up what’s been going on. I had no clue. I don’t understand why people do such awful things, or feel the need to present themselves as someone who is in dire straits just to get attention. I was completely flummoxed by discussions about her online, and ended up scratching my head in confusion.
I do know others who have worked for Lockheed - usually not for long; they lived in areas of the country where jobs were scarce, and they needed enough money to pay the bills and support their families. Good people. Rather like going to work in the coal mines because it’s the only decent paying job in town, but without the risk of black lung disease or being trapped in the mines to die. One of them worked for Lockheed for about 6 months, then became depressed because he said it was like working in a prison due to all of the security: getting in or out of the building required multiple security checks. Just going outside for fresh air was a 20-30 minute trip through security checkpoints. He quit, and then wrote his last book. He was a writer, and probably never had a facebook or twitter account. He was the first Dean of Austin Community College (yep - that one), but proved too progressive for the young school. He taught many how to write. He was part of the Esther’s Follies troupe (writer, actor, singer) during its early days. He worked for quite a few years for a consulting firm as a brilliant member of the marketing team. He could take garbage and make it into something clients would be interested in, solely by rewriting what the engineers & scientists had given him. One day, he called me to see if he could come to my office. He had something he needed help with. (He had bailed my behind out so many times, I was happy to offer any help I could.) Turned out he’d had his ears pierced by a friend, and not much more instruction than that. His ears were red & not looking well. I got out the rubbing alcohol and cotton swabs and fixed him up, then gave him instructions on how to proceed. It was then that he told me that he was a cross-dresser. My first question was “what size do you wear?” I was hoping I could borrow some of his clothes. (Naw. He wore a bigger size. Damn.) From that moment on, we were better friends than ever. I was so utterly sad when he not only left our place of employment, but moved so far north that he was a stone’s throw from Canada. He was able to write two books, in addition to teaching numerous online writing classes, among other things. He died in 2020 after what he referred to as the “Cancer Dance.” I’m so happy that he never cared about having a Twitter account. His life was so much better without it.
Thank Goddess that mean, sad, fucked up people aren't the only kind of people but goddamn they take up so much fucking time and energy. It does no good to say "don't let them" because they are already right there in front of your nose looking for the moment to stab you where it hurts the most. I love how you ended this piece: by helping your friends. Compassion always already wins. Thanks, Lauren.
Thanks for this. I knew most of it but it needs to be out there. I know too many people who fell for his grift. Until an "objective writer" puts all this into an article, I doubt the grifted will believe it. But this helps.
So infuriating. I'm so sorry for all he's put you through. (There's probably no connection, but this brings to mind another grifter with a similar name, "Anna March." https://www.latimes.com/projects/la-ca-jc-anna-march/ )
While I did not see this coming at all, I did find his story of taking three days off work because of the urgent need to read a 250 page book over the top. And when I read the book myself, I realized how his reading was absolutely prejudiced and dense. So this makes sense, even if it will never make sense why people do this. Does make me feel quite a bit better about saying mean things though.
Thank you so much for writing this. I am sorry to say that I was taken in by A.M.'s tweets, and did not see the full picture. I didn't know this was the person targeting Sandra Newman or the other authors. There are few folks I trust completely as I do you, and your unceasing empathy and ability to cut through the B.S. is truly remarkable and all too rare.
That's super twisted about the cult appropriator. I wish I could say I didn't know 2 dozen Ana Mardolls, both in person and online. But over the years I've seen many an overprivileged, unstable person claiming membership in the trans community try to become champions in the Oppression Olympics. I know someone who self diagnosed with multiple personality and autism and made up a sexual assault in service of this game. However, the sheer commitment this "Ana" individual seems to have to dragging queer authors is truly bizarre. The labeling of everyone as transphobic who has ever had a critical thought about a specific trans person or defended someone's right to write about gender in a way that doesn't toe the line of queer orthodoxy is truly fucked up and only distracts from actual transphobia. I'm still fucking furious at Lambda Literary for what they did to you, an actual gender non-conforming queer survivor, in the name of avoiding the appearance of transphobia-by-2nd-degree-association.
Same as it ever was.
Incredulity seems to correlate with privilege. We believe the astonishing because we want to and unless I have third-party verification, I won’t trust people’s facts. Mental illness is a helluva drug and on the increase.
I'm angry sorry. Your story vindicates why I left Twitter about 2 months ago. After a few encounters with TERFS (who are possibly the most vile humans ever and I say that after being in a cult and working in government) while defending trans folk. I'm glad they caught this ahole. Buh bye Ana.
Thank you for such a detailed explanation of how this works.I’m not on social media much so this was new to me and shocking. You are owed a huge apology and the lambda people need to look at themselves and ask why they were so quick to rush to judgment. They need to look not at your work, not your friend’s work but themselves.
I’m sorry. Again, very appreciative of this essay.
I knew an Ellen through a survivors' group I was in. Adult survivors of childhood sexual assault, as it happens. So people in there are fucked up but trying. Various rainbow shades of fuckedupness. And this one was Munchausen-by-proxying her son, until she killed him. He was about 6. She literally killed him. (Note: Almost any time a big kid has a feeding tube, it's probably abuse.) And being part of her group made all of us witnesses. It was--not good. I'm still sick over what she did.
People are fucked up.
I'm so sorry about the damage done by this asshole.
xx
In my experience- people who have experienced severe trauma rarely want to broadcast it. On the contrary, they often feel a sense of shame and guilt and a strong desire to seem “normal”. This twisted weaponizing of trauma is sickening. Especially, as you point out, in that it preys on vulnerable people’s good will and desire to protect others.
Hi there. Gratitude deluxe over here. I have some nosy questions, and also a shuddering recognition. This kind of thing was happening before Twitter. Weird. I got caught in its net with a couple of other writers, and it was chilling. This one prick pretended to be a traumatized teen bottom lot lizard. “He” found the right authors to get their hooks into, with suicide threats and insane pantomimes. Huge money con. Stealing identity, family photos, etc.
They had some success, the drugs got out of control, and when the cracks surfaced, and the “marks” innocently called our dear Fraud-tete, “Omg what is going on” -- she threatened us with all her firepower. We were “transphobic” and she was going to tell the world. We were denying the rights of George Sand. On and On. “But you’re 40-something, you’re not 15! You’re not trembling in a SRO, you’re shopping at Neiman Marcus! You’ve never turned a trick in your life except this one!” We, the bamboozled, went public-- and the public? Vicious vicious. Even in the limited internet of the 90s, together with the local papers, (back when comments were king!) responded with, “If you fell for this crap, you must be an idiot and an immoral turd. And ARE you transphobic?” Yeah, right, me and Dennis Cooper and Mary Gaitskill, et al, we’re all just complete jerks. Obviously. We get asked to read, edit, and aid writers all the time. When someone’s work is good, it’s compelling. If I assumed everyone who wrote me is a manipulative con, I’d ... go crazy. They aren’t, none of them are, until ONE of them is. It really makes you take a step back. Your story cracked through my convenient amnesia. Fucking cannibals.
Okay, now for the nosy questions: Did Lambda awards ever get back to you, do you know if they got the memo? And what about that Times reporter? Any update coming? -- you might prefer to keep this all to yourself, but I just had to ask! ;-)
To add to the misgendering issue, if you Google "Ana Mardoll" and go to the images tab, his own pictures that he uploaded to his GoodReads profile in 2018 are also very feminine presenting. Pale pink cardigan, makeup, delicate cameo necklace. For the longest time I assumed he was a girl, based on the name and Twitter profile pic, and then I read his profile blurb to see "a boy named Ana...".
Ran across someone on social media who claimed to have MS and Lupus and several other rare and serious disorders.
Yesterday, when I heard about that drone strike that killed the terrorist, I thought how amazing it is that mankind can create something to efficiently kill just one person from thousands of miles away. It is as amazing as it is horrifying. That is what I think about the internet. It opened up so much available knowledge, but also unleashed the absolute worst of humanity. Some days it is hard to know if the good outweighs the evil.
I’m sorry this vile Ana person has caused so much damage. And I thank you for clearing up what’s been going on. I had no clue. I don’t understand why people do such awful things, or feel the need to present themselves as someone who is in dire straits just to get attention. I was completely flummoxed by discussions about her online, and ended up scratching my head in confusion.
I do know others who have worked for Lockheed - usually not for long; they lived in areas of the country where jobs were scarce, and they needed enough money to pay the bills and support their families. Good people. Rather like going to work in the coal mines because it’s the only decent paying job in town, but without the risk of black lung disease or being trapped in the mines to die. One of them worked for Lockheed for about 6 months, then became depressed because he said it was like working in a prison due to all of the security: getting in or out of the building required multiple security checks. Just going outside for fresh air was a 20-30 minute trip through security checkpoints. He quit, and then wrote his last book. He was a writer, and probably never had a facebook or twitter account. He was the first Dean of Austin Community College (yep - that one), but proved too progressive for the young school. He taught many how to write. He was part of the Esther’s Follies troupe (writer, actor, singer) during its early days. He worked for quite a few years for a consulting firm as a brilliant member of the marketing team. He could take garbage and make it into something clients would be interested in, solely by rewriting what the engineers & scientists had given him. One day, he called me to see if he could come to my office. He had something he needed help with. (He had bailed my behind out so many times, I was happy to offer any help I could.) Turned out he’d had his ears pierced by a friend, and not much more instruction than that. His ears were red & not looking well. I got out the rubbing alcohol and cotton swabs and fixed him up, then gave him instructions on how to proceed. It was then that he told me that he was a cross-dresser. My first question was “what size do you wear?” I was hoping I could borrow some of his clothes. (Naw. He wore a bigger size. Damn.) From that moment on, we were better friends than ever. I was so utterly sad when he not only left our place of employment, but moved so far north that he was a stone’s throw from Canada. He was able to write two books, in addition to teaching numerous online writing classes, among other things. He died in 2020 after what he referred to as the “Cancer Dance.” I’m so happy that he never cared about having a Twitter account. His life was so much better without it.
Thank Goddess that mean, sad, fucked up people aren't the only kind of people but goddamn they take up so much fucking time and energy. It does no good to say "don't let them" because they are already right there in front of your nose looking for the moment to stab you where it hurts the most. I love how you ended this piece: by helping your friends. Compassion always already wins. Thanks, Lauren.